★ Friday, July 04, 2008
2:17 pmsometimes i wonder why is it... that the harder i try~ the worst a situation gets. and at the end i realise i've only been finding more pain for my own only.
it's weird... because it didnt go as how i planned it.. humans are so imperfect. so fickled.. things change so fast... plans never ever go as u want them to. i wonder since when have i been feeling like that.
suddenly i realise my heart's gone cold again.. and i just want to poke myself.. which is real and which is juz a make believe.
on the bright side... the world's gonna end soon... =) on the brighter side~ burning in hell seems good.
then again~ juz for this moment.. everything seems so hard and painful.
i only wish~ not for someone to fully understand me. i was too naive to ask for that. just someone~~~ who can give me a warm hand~ LOL!
till date there hasnt been any hand that i felt was warm enuff to hold =x *hands are freezing right now*
and i keep having horrible thoughts and flash backs. sometimes i keep myself busy~ but i realise that it doesnt stop me from thinking~~~ for a while. i want to stop thinking. its kind of painful~ but no one will know what sort of pain it is.
let me freeze till i numb so maybe the pain would just break me~ like ice breaking apart. dun let time halt~ i dun wan this sort of moments to drag on~~~ but people are constantly changing~ and i am tired of keeping up. yet i am so afraid~~~~~ to be left alone, left behind by the rest of the world. lol. human? =) very much so~ imperfections to its max.
some people look as though they have everything~ but when they reach out~ its really just vacuum~ some have everything, but demands more, thinking they have none. some have nothing~~ and no matter how hard they try~ they get nothing... the best are.. those, who started off with nothing... seeked help to find something.
is it human's heartlessness or the emotions that cause the pain?
for a moment i forgot another thing~ and i keep thinking~ which is more impt~ the person i share my happiness with, the person i share my sadness with, the person i share my distress with, the person for my angers, the person for my laughters, the person for my dreams? which should i value most~~ i wonder.... its so easy to share the happiness~ but when it comes to the sad bit~ i realise i m just still alone. have nt reached tat stage~ guess i shall have to continue to wait =) and when that time comes~ i'm not gonna let the person go. lOL~
pain upon pain~ sadness upon sadness... just another cold movie playing on the slow moving reel. how boring.
もっと、自分のらしくで生きる～
今、あたしの人生は。。。自分の為に。。。生きたい～其れから、痛いものがいないから。
寂しいの時、苦しいの時、誰が私の傍にがいるんの？まだ忘れて。。。でも、忘れるで欲しい～忘れるなら。。。全部が終わった。。。一人で新しい野物語が始めるよ～
それは、貴方今の望む。。。だから。。。貴方の望み。。。あたしが叶う～～～
一緒に、自分の新しい人生の為に～生きるぜ～
何か、一寸気持悪い。。。
sometimes its no longer comforting to look at.... i should stop deceiving myself. cos i already know inside what is it. when this last connection is wiped away~ maybe it'll be a new start~ but then again.. it'll also be the day i get crushed... a good way to start over i guess... but as humans are... we tend to move towards the place we feel most comforted and warm. and hope to stay there. maybe..?
let me creep back into the shadows for a while longer =) i always tell people... when u're not ready to face the world... dont force yourself to~ until you're ready.. come out again with a new face and future ahead. and now.. i m telling myself this... =) i wonder why no one tells me things like that...
the things i dont say... doesnt mean they dont exist...
the things i do say... doesnt always only mean as they are written.
今も生きるの意味を探す…
★ キキ様でした ☆
