i guess its really time to reflect on my past doings for 2 yrs.. so much has happened in b/w. even qy told me i'm diff from last yr... and i wonder where e hell had i gone wrong... wad sort of person have i become.. sometimes its better to remain innocent n young rather than grow n know all. i've turned into a vicious being without feelings... i realised alot of things about myself.. things i nv say... n things i dun wanna change... sis n mom talked to me again juz now... mayb i've finally woken up...


firstly... my studies.. i cannot give in anymore.. after a'div... i must work like sh!t le.. i noe not e first time i say tis ba... but then i think no matter wad i do now... its time to snap out of fantasies... at least for 5 more mths? ya...


i got so many things i wan type out... but then suddenly no mood le.. u noe y? firstly being talked with by my mom n sis is alrdy emotionally tiring.. i came back mentally n physically drained alrdy.. then u guess wad... my sis bought me Gazette's single... e cassis one.. cos it came in like set A n B together * ya now i got all the versions of e single * so was watching e dvd disc... although mood wasnt like very happy, at least i felt better after watching them .. esp hearing cassis.. made me feel better. then we all could joke la... all of us.. but then suddenly my dad who was initially ironing his clothes... after ironing, come out from his room and freakin hell switched off e tv switch, went to e main plug, REMOVE ALL E SCREWS TO REMOVE E WIRES FROM E 3 PIN PLUG *i happened 2 b e one who fixed e 3-pin plug juz e day before since e wires were cranky* n he now so happily... no... he had his usual pissed off face look and unscrewed everything... n took out EVERYTHING n LEFT, SLAMMED HIS DOOR and left us there.. not even botherin to ans my mom when she asked him wad he was doin... ya u can say my feeling.. i almost broke down then n there.. but i was controlling myself... my sis mouthed "e disc's still inside..." i can get wad she mean... e discs cost like $80++? if stuck inside then die... but i told her later... cos i was too pissed off to think. well later managed to use another plug n get it out.. but i broke down after tat n here i m writing here... with gazette's music in my ears.. u can say i m still pissed off... but crying sometimes help... i noe i m still immature n all.. still unappreciative of wad i have... still a spoilt brat who knows nothing in life... but still... i have feelings ba... i have my problems too ba... i have mental distresses, emotional probs, an average rebellious kid...


i noe no one here wld _stand wad i m feeling ba... mayb tis is a wrong mentality. even if i tell u wad i feel, u'll only b able to repeat e words which i say.. bt u'll nv fully comprehend all e feelings tat i've been thru for e past 8 mths... cos u n me face diff probs in life... like i will nv b able to fully comprehend ur feelings.. all u can say r words.. but sometimes ur words will hurt too cos u act as thou u noe wad i feel... but as i say... its all words ba... sometimes ppl dun need to b comforted by help of solutions... ppl juz need someone to stand there n say nth but juz hug u close, or tap u on e shoulder, by juz pulling u up when u fall down or hurt urself. but at e end of e day.. i noe i have to accept e fact tat no one can foreva b there for u... we r all lonely.. cos other ppl have their probs too... dun wanna add on to their own burden...


its said as though its so easy to die.. but if its really so easy to die.. then mayb if i feel so emotionally stress i'll juz end up falling to e ground half way stiff as a corspe. no wait.. alrdy dead into a corspe. but it'll nv happen... we r not so emotionally weak ppl no matter how stress we r. we still have to face e facts at e end of everything. no running away... no hiding. tat is how life is... although i do imagine myself fainting n all x= sometimes i really wish it'd happen... ya... i noe its easy to die.. juz jump lo... but then... i dun think i can overcome my phobia of height tat easily.. shucks.. m i suicidal?? i dun think sooooo... since i m not like even takin e step of walkin to my window n jumpin down?? means i still wanna live on in life rightttt???? ya i think so *convinces myself* we cannot run away ba... its all part of life...


gosh.. i really wanna c e shrink.... i need help.. i m not normal... or mayb... i m juz too normal...