★ Tuesday, November 18, 2008
1:49 am#660
when i think about it now, and i look back a few months, maybe 6 months ago... i cant say that i had nothing... nor can i say that i had everything. when i look at myself today... i realise that.. "Hey! You've changed alot!" though i guess i didnt really notice it. =) which was good! i dun wanna see myself change. and doing it subtly is e best.
and when i think deeper, all those imperfections in my life, which i used to see them as needles in my skin, slowly seemed to have smoothen out as i grow older each day. as i open my eyes to what's really out there... what i had never seen before. i guess, its not that the needles are gone, but its just that... after awhile, its not being immune anymore.. its all about accepting. accepting things being a part of you. to me... instead of droning things out 365/365 days, well, just accept most of them and not complain, not argue. i guess life will turn out better somehow =) its like appreciating your moments... every single second and not making every minute seems like its a bad one.
to me.. living... living is being alive... being here, feeling, hearing, seeing... everything. to know, to understand, to mature, to feel free, to feel belonged, to just... live. not everyone thinks this way though, u get work politics, people out there just to make ur life HELL, but hey, there isnt anything we can do about right? just to shrugg it off as much as we can, get off their tails, try to keep your own life simple and happy.
i dun wanna live a life of regrets. regretting things i did... sure, many times. but i dun wanna keep them buried in me. i dun wanna go 2 yrs on and still remember the grudge. i m not like tat. ya the scars wont go, but they fade with time, for we r humans, we r emotional, we change our feelings constantly. we wont relive the exact same moment/emotion every other second. hey, its life! accept it. if i die right now, although i can safely say i haven done anything worth dying for yet, but... there isnt regrets... just.. unaccomplished stuffs. if i could live forever... *maybe not in this horrible world* that would be good. there is so much more i want to know.
right now, love is still a bit out of my reach. lol y? i mean its not hard seriously if i want to i guess... the tough bit is all the acceptance and accommodation, my restriction of freedom. and the blahs~ wth? i rather spend the time exploring the world, finding out new stuffs, enjoying myself than drown in the pain of unrequited love? > < painful indeed.
i guess all these years i've managed to put that side of me to a corner =) and somehow although i must admit i couldnt always control my internal emotions, but i try not to let them show. XD
sometimes, its not that i dont care, not that people around me arent important... its just that.. i duno how to show to them that they are. i'm afraid of doing wrong things, making wrong moves, irritating people... some people really dun like to be disturbed u know. XD we all need a bit of TLC *tender loving care*, but hey~~! you know how life works ya.. its KARMA~~ > <
=) anyways... i still hold important memories inside me... those past few yrs... i'd treasure them. no matter how far my frendships go, how distant they become, if you deem me as your frend, i surely will see you as one too =) so dont worry. disturb me ANYTIME. *but pls let me speak once in a while tyvm* lol!
time to sleep~ =) i hope whoever had that doubt, or in need of some "guidance" feels better now XD
今も生きるの意味を探す…
★ キキ様でした ☆
