★ Wednesday, August 27, 2008
1:28 pmLately.. i realise what sort of person i am. although it hasnt sinked in yet... but it's hanging there at the corner, it weight juz getting heavier n heavier along the way as the days pass... immature n childish of me. lol to admit this out in public here~ kinda shameful i guess =) but i think its mainly cos i've been telling myself so much that i dont wanna grow up, dont wanna lose this current me that's keeping me tied down to being a child. yes.. i m only 20~ but sometimes responsibilities run way ahead of the age.
and because of this wake up call, i'm feeling so.. aimless again. nothing appeals to me anymore. its so sad, sometimes when i think about it, but then again, it's always this down side of life thats so hard to live through. lol. its my turn now.. today.. tomorrow, the next day etc.. =)
seriously, i dont want to live without the spark. the spark of life you can call it. its not that i dont feel fortunate or that i want to die sort of thing, it's just that i am feeling this... negative side taking over me again. i just want to stay low and observe the happenings. is that possible? maybe... maybe not~ i asked for a change.. i got it.. and now i want to change again. i am not always that cheerful, seriosuly.
i guess its just that my commitments are different from other people around me. and following them just made me one of them... and caused some negative effects. i dont want to be tied down. in the past months that i've been bothered with something... senseless... i realise i dont have the energy to be bothered with it. what is in my hands now should be my priority, if only i could listen to myself! haha.
after a while, everything becomes a painful drag~~ slowly i feel those strands that have been keeping me alive cutting lose. i dont know what'd happen to me once they've all been cut but... =) lol~ i think i'd juz go insane or turn into a vegetable being.
i still... admire them~ =) those who dared to stand up, to fight the society's view, to make something of themselves, to be different. its such a tiring battle. i dont like to lose.. but sometimes circumstances make it so hard for me even to breathe. and there's always tat "guilt" thing.
after these long words i realise i didnt intend to type them out! Y R THEY THERE!? omg?? > <~ maybe these r the problems haunting me right now~ and i realise again~ there isnt anyone. *i m not lonely* its juz... u know u can only depend on urself in the end. even if u wanna count on someone~~ =) i duno how to explain it. its not merely just the no. of days u spend together/the amount u spend on each other to determine a good frend etc. LOL~ its the chemistry~ and sometimes its juz the shame to tell anyone at all~ =x
i m turning solemn~ maybe its cause of my half asleep state?? who knows~~~ =) whatever i DID intend to type is now lost to me~ its of no significance anymore~ lol for a while at least~
gotta make do with what i have!
i seriously feel so tired and stressed out~~~
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★ キキ様でした ☆
