haven been posting for e past month.. lOLX can u guys believe it? heee nahx. no mood to talk really... e tht of havin to talk to people turns me off totally. studies family.. all in one. lOLx i dun like it when ppl hit this two parts in me, or when these two areas start shaking n triggers something off. so best not to touch me now ya. =) alot of things to say.. n i seem too lazy to write it down. so gonna share with u guys for once.. e dramatic side of my life =) i wun repeat nor say these things more than once nia =) haha


seriously... if i could.. i wanna blog it all in jap.. then no one'll _stand ^^ mayb next yr la =) lOlx sometimes u dun need words to make ppl _stand... words r e shallowest things on earth.. cos its only words. if only ba... hope i can put it all in here. even if i say out... with everything there e words e emotios e thoughts e feelings... will u understand? can u comprehend wad is happening? wad i m goin thru? do u even wanna noe in e first place? i duno.. =) ans urself ba. but i wun force u la.. i juz wan say it out here.. dun bother if u dun wanna noe ya ^^ i wun blame u. mayb i also dun wan u to noe ^^ lolx.


starting.


i dun hate my life.. i love it to a certain extent. it gave me my 5 senses, not perfect vision, but i can still appreciate tat e sun will nv turn square ^^ lolx. gave me a good mom. a loving sister. my sister (おねーちゃん) loves me. i love her too =) i m grateful for her.. she let me noe wad's love.. she gave me wadeva she could,protected me n my sis from wadeva shld b blocked out. sadly, my sis (younger)lost her innocence at such a young age ba =)


eating from a beggar's bowl... u noe wad that means ma? dad stopped giving mom $$ this month. ya so she gets only like ermm 400 ya. to support me n my sis n herself for e month... n e 400 comes not from my dad... but from my sis's pay only. my dad pays for e two of us la... haha enuff. so dun need worry abt tat.but wad i cant stand most.... u noe, everything bought for our meals is within tat 400 bucks.. n u noe wad... my hell of a cheapskate dad... is taking food from my mom's $$... n he EATS like a pig... wad i cant stand also? everytime he takes e coke bottle out of e fridge, he'll b talkin to himself... "faster finish it all.. dun let u guys drink." haha. despicable fellow if u ask me... despicable imbecile freakish hell of an idiot. このばけやろ！！！ to call such a father... would b hell of a shamesless thing. who would call one a father????? n to think tat HE WHO IS E RICHEST IN THE FAMILY!!?!?!? so irresponsible.. dun wanna divorce.. but wan do such things.. all u can do is say " GET OUT, DUN WANNA C U ANYMORE!!! u leave e place n then i'll get e divorce slip" who'd believe such an idiot? my mom's not stupid.. neither r we... u dun dare to say stupid things in front of us cos u noe we're well educated enuff to sue u. but we chose not to. for mom taught us... respect... u r still our dad. n tats y we keep our cool. all u do is throw tantrums whenever u like juz cos we dun listen to u in search of freedom... freedom tat no one can control. juz cos of tis small turn from mom's unmovable submission... u do tis.. to hurt us all. 不要再发小孩子脾气了。你玩够了没有？juz cos u r e only man in e family.. gives u no right to lock us out of e house, threaten to cause a family tragedy, throw away our things, our belongings, our poccessions, nor my mom's bible,nor raise ur hand in attempt to hit my mom, push away ur responsibilities, scream about with ur eyes popping out juz cos u wanna be in control. it doesnt work tat way. u lost my respect... u nv cared, nv loved us, only induced this fear. juz cos u worked e $$ doesnt buy our love our trust our respect. tats all there is. u fear e govt but u fear not urself of wad u can do. i fear for u. have u ever seen ur dad's eyes grow red with madness.. with anger... with craze... e veins, e capillaries popping, burstin out of the wild eyes?? have u?? i have... can u c my fear? have u tried screamin at ur dad to stop, all of u.. 3 helpless kids ... crying in attempt to put an end to it.. have u? r u strong enuff? have u ever felt this tenseness when u hear e front door open? when u see him at ur door? when u hear him call ur name.. when u c him starin at u... i have... i'm always jumping whenever he calls my name... my sis too.. =) does ur dad tell u... i've always been e bad guy in e family... so i m really gonna b a bad guy... u wanna c??? n he stomps out... like a angry bull. do u ever face e fear... of even talkin to someone in ur family... or juz going out n afraid tat u'll nv b able to get back home, into ur bed.. or that ur mom's in life-danger? have u? e day we were outside.. locked out... e feeling? not able to get in... how despicable. how about running away from home with ur sisters juz cos of fear... or e waitin in e bedroom for dad to juz lock himself up, too afraid to b in e same room as him. i bet my hearing's improved to sounds of keys n locks lolx =) it has always been sensitive.. now juz better. have u ever... fear e ringing of ur phone... afraid to c tat ur dad's calling... to ask where r u or wad u doing? mayb not e qn... but the tht tat it is him... i still rmb e fear tat time... when my phone vibrated.. juz e sound of vibration set all our hearts to beats like e flapping of wings.. can u comprehend? bet not ba =) tis is but a small part of my life.. do u really wanna noe?


i hate u... cos u took away my childhood.. mayb not mind.. but my sis's.. so much so that she's afraid of marriage, of fathers... e envy i see when we r out seeing other families.. it always goes to.. why is mine not like tat... y have i nv said..? shame... can anyone bare to say.. my dad's tis horrible? nahx bet not. tis is wad i've been goin thru from last yr till now... did u noe? cos i nv say... how can i b happy? =) dun ask... juz gotta put it behind. but hard... life's sad u noe.. now u noe my life only... juz a little more... its only a small matter cos its my life.


but i thank u... cos u made me stronger... how much.... mayb not a lot.. but i noe more things now... i'm stronger than others.. in some ways. but yet vulnerable in some more ways.


do u envy me? bet not... do i envy u... mayb. is ur life worst than mine? ya i can say so... we r all challenged to wad only we can take. so i symphatise with u too. we r born into an unfair world.. i juz need to fully accept mine. wad i hate abt my life now? is e lack of motivation. no one can help me here.. but i juz lost it... purpose of life is unknown now.. i lost my old self.


so now wad? juz wan u to know.. cherish ur life n family.. when someone is good to u.. dun forget... when ppl ask u for a favour.. help.. no matter how much it irritates u. if u r having frendly squabbles, pls... solve it now. dun b always giving in when u r not at fault, talk it out.. resolve it b4 e person changes more to hate. dun build anymore excuses for urself.. tats wad i m doin now... i m full of excuses.. but my mom say.. dun blame ur dad... its part of life. i dun blame him, i'm using him as an excuse.. give me more time to accept.. dun push me yet. when it's time i'll come out of my shell. when tat day comes, mayb i'll noe wads true happiness. i pray for hope ba =) mayb god stopped listening... cos of wad i've become.. hard ... on everything, on everyone, a coward running away. e tears, they'll come when its time, cos i'm losing myself.. who wun cry? u juz dun c me doin it tats all... =) i wonder nia.. who in my class have... or shld i say.. how often do i cry in front of my frends, my family..sometimes i wonder.. how can i smile? how can i laugh.. but i juz want to.. so i do... u'll feel better trust me =)


i cant tell myself not to cry anymore.. cos when a person's sad... its e only way of relief.. its though e waters wash away part of e pain =) ya... its going now.. i can feel it.. cherish ba.. tats all i can say. sometimes life's better if u c it outside of ur sadness...