★ Monday, June 16, 2008
11:50 ami am now taking time off my work to blog this! supposed to have been up from since a few days ago, but it got delayed. ^^ dun wanna delay it any longer~ hee. So let's start.
taking Yamashita Tomohisa's (a.k.a Yamapi<-- New's Leader.. my e.sis's crazy over him) "essay" title for a mag section, [生きる], which means to live or to exist, i shall now talk about what's been on my mind lately.
right now at this current era.. most of us are probably wondering... why am i here? why am i trying so hard to live? =)) i think about that sometimes too. but i shall start by splitting living into a few narrower parts. i'd put my personal answers right at the end of this whole post.
what is your definition of "Living"? is it to drone on monotonously? or is it to fight your way up the social and corporate ladder? or is it to find ways to make more friends and please people around you? or better yet... you've never really thought about it and thus you have no answer? x=
now look at your own life from the outside. if you cant do that, you can look at it from the inside. it doesnt really make a difference. Does your current life fit into the definition that you have just thought of? for those who have none... do you find your life aimless and meaningless? a bore, a drag? if so... it's pretty evident isnt it? what's lacking in your mental thoughts that you need to motivate yourself.
next.. life's sufferings. for whose sake do you endure the pain, go through hardships, bring yourself right to the bottom with your face rubbing the mud for?? in your daily life.. maybe it could be stuffs from enduring your parents constant naggings, to living a life where you're in a financial crisis, to being abused by physically, mentally and emotionally by people you thought should care about you, to studying so freaking hard yet you only just manage to barely pass everything. There are so many examples more... For whose sake do you go through them for?? you didnt ask for them, you didnt want them at all, you didnt even expect them. but.. they happened. so now.. Why did you have to go through it?? what for?? most of the time the answer would be, for yourself. yes, i suffer for my own sake and no one else's. that's mostly the case isnt it?? its something that comes and we cannot run away from... some choose suicide of cos, but those are the cases i dont want to touch on cause.. i dont believe in giving up your precious life for things like sufferings. =) we are given more than what we cant bear. so if you're going through something bad, its definitely something you can live through, just that you didnt give yourself a chance to. you didnt want your soul to be strenghtened enough to go through it. as the saying goes, you'd never know your limit unless you try. ^^ so back to going through sufferings.. yes you didnt ask for it... you didnt ask for trouble. bt it fell right at your feet... are you going to turn and run back wards or try to find some ways to move forward? which means... did you bother doing ANYTHING at all about the situation? did u do anything at all to try to improve your current position? to be better, to make things work out? eg, study harder and earlier than exam dates, consult friends or teachers on the abuse.. or did you just sit down there and sulk? throw a tantrum like a kid? trashing your legs in the air crying like a baby? curse and swear at everything around you, blaming everyone else for your own lazy effort to help yourself? so.. have you done anything yet?
dare no tame ni, ikiteiru no? (my y.sis came up with this *admires her*) for whose sake do you live for? is it for your own again? ^^ how about living for other people? if you live for your own i think the chances that you'd end up commiting suicide will be 10x higher than normal. haha~ how can anyone live for their own sakes when there are so many people out there caring for you, worried about you, wanting to spend more time with you. have you thought about that? besides being stuck in your.. "me, myself and i" box... have you ever thought about the people OUTSIDE your box? what is your purpose in life? to fulfill wishes and dreams? to be the most popular guy/girl in the school? to spend every minute doing something stupid because you only live once and you want to do it all? i am not saying that your purpose in life is wrong. you can have any purpose you want. but the issue i am concerned with now is... all these purposes stated are just small minor links that will lead to a bigger picture. i believe that we live to be happy. yes.. to do all those things just so that we can attain our happiness. or at least we feel that it'll make us happy. some people believe $$ makes them happy so they work till they die. some people believe that when they make other people smile they are happy, so they devote their lives to social work. some feel that happiness is to just be simple, and they do just that. isnt this what we're living for? isnt this your purpose in life? i dont want to specifically list down stuffs because who wants their purpose / happiness to be restricted to a set of tabled rules? i know i dont. ^^ you can have many goals and dreams and things you wanna do to keep you happy. its not only ONE and only ONE thing. you just need to work for it, put in effort for it. nothing comes easy. no pain no gain. as well as, no guts no glory~ XD so now.. what's your purpose in life?
dare no tame ni, shinderu no? (again from my y.sis, was a continuation to the previous line) for whose sake do you die for? are you going to tell me.. FOR MYSELF? lol~ if you are... omg.. how small is your world where only you exist? how.. naive. have you ever thought about dying? about when death comes to you, that you only have a day or less more to live? what do you want to do when that situation drops on your lap? no.. you cant pick it up and throw it away. =) haha~ if you're gonna die for yourself.. it should mean that you'd not tell anyone about it, die and bury yourself where no one can find you, not spend anymore time with your friends or family, not doing anything at all but just lay n wait for death. cos you're only dying for yourself! if that's the case, then you can die anytime without regrets cos u only worry about your own flesh. now, if you were to die for SOMETHING (its up to u to think of the something u want), it'll be different. you're prob not want to leave the world at all, and before u go off to sleep, you'd want to spend every last bit of min with that SOMETHING you're dying for. could be friends, loved ones, passion, music, fulfilling a dream, blah blah blah~~ up to u.does this bring about more purpose in your life?
sometimes, our selfish nature takes over, and we tell ourselves that everything we do is for our own's sake... but.. hwo about the feelings of the people around us? have you thought about it? are we going to be weak and let our selfish side take control of our thoughts and emotions? yes.. you can do that. ^^ but.. if you want others to do the same to you, by all means then~ i believe in karma.. you do something, you'd get something equal in return, good or bad both. like the laws of physics (cant rmb the exact rule), u push against the wall with both hands. there'll be a force that is actually acting in opposite direction but of the same magnitude back at you. you pull a rope.. there'll be an exact force being pushed away from you (this is known as friction in this case). XD so do think before you act. ^^
personal thoughts:
i dont believe in life after death, so i only get to live once and do everything once. =) i dont want to die, i have so much more to accomplish in life. things i want to do... things i want to see. things i want to experience. life's so vibrant and colourful if we could just remove that monotone coloured lens in front of our eyes. i admit i was once a fool, and still am sometimes... esp when i was going through some problems and i kept to myself.. ya sure, i cursed at the world, ran away from my problems, ignored some warnings, gave up on myself. i was pretty much a sucker then. XD haha *maybe now too but...* anyways, i hope that to all those that i know... my friends, family etc. the time no matter how short you spent with me. i've left an impression on you somewhere. so that even if i were to die now, you'd be able to remember me. i dont care if its bad impression! just remember me! LOL~ maybe you'd think of me once every ten years, but its okay~ =) if u cant remember me.. = = then~~~ tell me and i'd arrange for something xD heh heh. i know i have much that i want accomplished in this tiny life of mine... but... sometimes we cant beat time even if we try. but i'd try all the same~ XD plans plans and more plans! ^^ just keep working forward. i wont say that i am happy, nor truly happy. ^^ but i try to be when i can. those mood swings caused by my hormones i cannot control >< so... yes.. i'd try. lol working towards it. its the ups and downs in life that you'd learn to appreciate what you have. its only when u have a down then u can have a up. what's light when there is no such thing as darkness, there's always 2 sides to a coin. to be understood, you must first seek to understand~ and ALSO TO LET PEOPLE UNDERSTAND YOU! ^^ unless u dont want to then i dont blame u too. no one listens anymore anyways =X
so far this is a hell long post.. i wonder how many words there are already~ XD haha. anyways, some thoughts escaped when i took time typing this out. but the main idea's there. i hope it was a beneficial post to some of my dearest friends who seem to be having problems~ i know, every has them. ^^ i tell myself things like that when i get lost too =)
one more note... if you can be sitting down and reading this, even if u skipped that chunk on top~ you're really fortunate. tell yourself that everyday when u wake up. because you get to live another day. =) another chance in life, another chance to fulfill something to accomplish your purpose.. the ultimate goal...
lastly.. i want to know something...
Are you... truly happy?
ps. did a word count~LOL! over 1,920 words~ XD
今も生きるの意味を探す…
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