★ Monday, July 02, 2007
saddness of me
1:30 amlately like i see alot of sadd people~ more like people r sadd lately. i'm blaming it on the summer! come autumn, things may start to get better i hope =)
wans to talk about something.
my mom has been giving me some lectures on my dressings n style all over again ~ lol! quite sadd la. but i'm used to it, i'd hide it if i have to. i guess i haven been talkin about tis for a while right? cos... really... i dont say alot of things. decided to bring it up cos... *blah blah blah* anywayx, she was saying about society and stuff. but at the end, she said she couldnt stop me and was up to me. =) makes me sadd, cos she cant accept me for who i m still. ^^ though she doesnt really stop me la. took me a long way. and my hair, i'm only waiting forr her to say its all punkhed up. but havent yet, not with that bad tone yet la =)
i cant say i m happy, cant say i m sadd.. realise i miss out on alot of feelings. starting with i cant cry is a start le. HAHAHA cos, after what happened last 2 yrs... i think i've really gained some muscles in my heart and mind. wans to get become a fragile weak thing... *waitin for someone to make me go all jelly* hmmm. i missed out on a lot. cos i feel i've felt the worst already, so anything more doesnt reach it, and cant get to me. =))) is that good?
i see the people around me all crying, dying, depressed. i read you all i see you all i know you all. but... i dont know how to help. call me selfish, cos no one was there when i needed them x= hahaha kidding. *but really i stood on my own...* its just tat i believe... u battle it urself. after standing up from it, you'd be much stronger on ur own. be independent. =) dun lean on anything. as long as u feel u r happy on ur own... that's enuff for now. a small step at a time.
often in the past, when i cried, writing in my black black diary, letting out my real thoughts, i think... what'll happen to me if i give up on all these things and be the ideal zombie for my mom? i dont want tat. not yet... cos... there is still somethings i want to live for and not give up. that's what i know. and i know if i carry this on... its the sacrifice and consequences. i've told myself i will go through it all. it's just a matter of time to see if i can really stand out all the way. i love people.. i love my family my friends... but i've been waiting for someone really superficial all these time. thinking it'll be much easier to find.. but i was wrong.
i wanted to end with a poem... but i realise the words got stuck once again, and i wondered where m i.. the old me that could feel so much eveery post had a poem. =))) gone? haha buried that's all~ i want to dig that one back out, merge with who i m now. so that i can appreciate the world and unerstand and not be so selfish. =))) but like everyone's too busy to help me~heh. i'd find it myself ba... i think...
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