can i rant?

5:17 pm

i believe that... if u want people to know more abt you, to understand you, u have to step out of ur shell first and approach others first. i still believe in it now... but yet somehow i find it so hard to do. haha

ever since that time... i think it's been a long time since i really tell anyone abt my personal probs and stress... everyday i still go about trying to smile. i guess its juz me. i know everyone does it too. like hey who the hell can say they are satisfied and happy with their lives so easily?? we are greedy people, always out to want more in our lives. haha

but really... i have lost something inside me recently.. for the past yr or so. i mean if u ask of cos i'd say it =D but sometimes on my own... even if i stand in front of you, u look at me... i want to open my mouth and blurt the words out, they r at the tip of my tongue the words formed in my mind, all ready to splurt out.. but yet.. juz one second before... i change the topic... say something else instead and u look at me... with a questioning look on ur face. "what is it? you wanna say something?" and i'd juz shake my head... no.. it's nothing.. nothing at all. my petty problems cant concern u... i have to live them on my own.

and i too still believe in this now. its so painful sometimes when i try to share i get turned away... it could be that i have approached the wrong person.. but their reaction to my words r so human... so predictable... its like... if u study people long enuff u'd know its how they will react.. all negative hahaha! i wonder y. so now i try on my own to break free from being human.. or at least detach myself from negative feelings. becos inside.. i know.. i understand where u r getting at.. what u r expecting from me.. what u want to hear, what u want me to say, what u hope that i will do... and sometimes i deliberately do not wanna satisfy that selfish heart of urs... but sometimes if i feel kind i'd do it and make u happy =)

hahahaha yes~ i m tis evil...

i realise to detach myself i juz have to keep reminding myself.. i m also a human~ n i feel this way too and i make these kinda mistakes too.. or i juz tell myself.. it's typical and i soon realise it's so much easier to accept it and not get angry nor irritated at people. cos we r all the same. makes my life so much easier. sadly no one can do this for me yet D=

i m not complaining much i guess~ there's still somethings that i dun understand.. things i dun show. things that people arent that bothered abt. esp not me.. cos i m that insignificant to them. even though i try my best to be by their side.. i get noen when i try to approach people but others have frends flocking to their side when they r in danger.

is this karma? or is this juz a sign?

i duno anymore... i m starting to lose this spark thing again. the work the people the play everything is getting onto me lately... i have no idea what i am doing what i wanna do. i m so afraid to turn into this zombie.. n i get so disappointed when people turn away from me juz cos of who i m and how i look and wad i wear and wad i like... why do i have to hide behind and not show myself to others...

i think its juz natural for me to smile when i see my frends. i dun wan them to worri... i dun wanna let my personal problems drag down my day. but sometimes... being too positive has its setbacks too... i get drained so easily when the stuffs pull me down further n i cant escape.

my only punching bag is also no longer by my side.. hahaha! so now... music... my best frend, my best companion.. hangry... always smiling at me when i feel like i'm abt to cry... abt to lose hope.. he's always there to hear my inner thoughts, and stare at me all patiently, not uttering a word, not being fake... juz comforting me when his small hug and small caresses.

is this what they call a best friend? i wonder =D i think hangry deserves new clothes! sadly.. i cant afford them right now D= *sigh*

this is an awfully long post. i shld stop here. i feel all better now, after talking to myself =D hahaha!

tat's all~~~ *yawns*

† 其々が選んだ日々の中 †

*24.4.1988*
*RMIT - Bachelor in Accountancy*

*Visual KeiのNeverLand*
*Japanese*
*Black|Red|White*
*Dolly*
*The GazettE*
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